Tuesday, October 23, 2007
It's almost a year since the last time I heard from you. It may sound unbelievable but I've managed not to get in touch of you. My email address which you used to send me messages has been defunct for almost a year now too. It was beyond my control. It wasn't my decision to make myself unreachable this time. It was FATE. We're destined to be separated. We're meant not to let our paths crossed again.
The last time you mentioned to me was: You're here in Manila. Hoping to find your luck in a Call Center in Makati. I used to try my luck also on that same center you belong now. Thank goodness I didn't accept the Job Offer. After all of the heartaches we had, I don't have any intention at all to see you again. I wanna run farther away from you. I find contentment in what I am good at... lurking around the net, just to get a trace of you. That's all! I guess... it's better that way!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
It's you again
I got your email. It was a surprise in ages to hear something from you. You gave me your contact number... hmmm, what made you think I would contact you? It's been 4 months that you are here in Manila. I wonder how things are on you now? What do you need from me? Money?
I just don't know why I can't take your email in a positive light. It seems that there's always manipulation behind your gesture. I am really afraid to get in touch with you again. You were the only one who could break my heart in million pieces, Bing. You don't deserve to be noticed. You don't deserve even a minute of my time.
You're gone. I don't love you anymore. I don't think that there's more to discuss about. I hate your accusations, your threats, your lies! I'm starting to hate you, Bing and you can't blame me.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
a sight of you
Last night, I had this unusual dream.
I saw a familiar figure again. I stared on a photo that made me think for a moment. I was trying to identify that exact smile and warm expression of those eyes. I noticed the date on the photo. July 31, 2006. In a brief pause, it gave me an idea that I was in someone else's office. I figured eventually that it looked like your office, Bing.
Yes, it was you that I saw on the picture. That short haired, fair complexion lady. I realized, you were connected to the same company it seemed where I belong too. I instantly felt the cold shivers down my spine. Why did you prefer working at the same company I am in?
I saw the posters hanged on the walls. All the teasers and designs were created by you. I saw your name. God, it looked so real to me. I heard them calling you a different name, "Chabbi". I didn't understand why. A thought did come across in my mind: you must be different now. I wanted to see you in person, to hear your voice to confirm if it was really you.
But it was then I got back to reality. It was then I opened my eyes and considered that everything was a mere dream.
I dreamt about you, again. Why? I haven't thought about you for quite some time and that was indeed a surprise for me. How I wish it wasn't just a dream. How I really wish that you're here and still hope to be with me.
Just before I slept last night, my hubby and I had a very big fight. You were there when I needed something... someone who can cheer me up. You were there to keep me rejuvinated, even if your presence was felt through my dreams..
Despite of all the hurtful words we exchanged before, you, in any way, can really make a difference to my mood. I wish there's just some thing that can make you understand how much you mean to me, Bing.
You're too special to be forgotten.
finding an emotional shield
Dealing one heartache from another, I often find myself evaluating the things I've done and failed to do. I've always wanted to find great love without losing myself. Someone who will be there for me and still keep the passion alive for a lifetime. It really sounds a dream relationship to me.... or will it always remain in my dreams?
A year ago, I thought I finally met the person I waited for. Sweet, adorable, transparent, outspoken. passionate and smart. A person I used to admire so much during my childhood years. I simply treasured her. Every minute spent with her remained special to me. A thousand reasons had to be considered... that basically explained why my dream love affair ended too soon.
Fear. Heartache. Sorrow. Uncertainty.
I just can't help feeling these mixed emotions over and over again. Every frustrations can make me a stronger and better person, I know. But I have my own frailties and moments of weakness. Loving her made me weak. Again, for a thousand reasons, I MUST consider. I must not consume myself so much living with my past, when I am facing a new life with my husband.
It's been months since the last time we got in touch. But a single thought still keeps on playing in my mind. Is my husband sexually, emotionally, physically not enough for me?
I am not perfect, so is he. Of all the differences my hubby and I have to live by, I always aim to find meaning of our relationship. I am happy with him, and I hope he is too. But why was I got involved again with someone from my past?
Here are the common reasons I can think of:
1. She's intelligent and conversationalist.
2. She's passionate.... attractive in her own way.
3. She's transparent and vocal of her emotions.
4. She's not wealthy nor pretty, but really sexy in my eyes.
5. She's loving and I was simply in love.
Absurd it may sound but I was hooked with someone I never imagined it would happen. Someone who was not of my age, nor even close enough. Someone who was not the person my friends expected....
I didn't regret it, though. It was a wonderful feeling.
It was when I realized what I could be capable of... I did something beyond my limits and nothing could beat that. The question still remains unanswered : Is my husband sexually, emotionally, physically not enough for me?
I am certainly happy with him... Sexually, emotionally, and physically, he tries to do whatever can make me happy. I've always thanked him for giving so much to me when he receives unparalleled. I love him, I really do. He understands me more than I understand myself. He's absolutely a blessing.
After all of the heartaches I had in the past, I realize, I only search for a certain thing.... to find someone who can be my emotional shield. I don't know, I just feel secured and safe with my husband. People said that I was looking for a "Comfort Zone"... but yeah, who among us isn't?
I can't dare to break a man's heart because of my tendencies..... how much more to break a family's heart.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Why does it still hurt whenever someone mentions your name?
Why does it still hurt whenever I happen to read one of your emails?
Why does it still hurt whenever I hear "our" song?
Why does it still hurt whenever I remember you?
It really feels like hell knowing you... trusting your words... believing your lies... hoping you would change for the better.
You're exhausted.... too exhausted that you finally ran out of dreams, hopes, and wishes of loving someone new. I'm always on the losing end... since the first time I really got to know you. You were misled, you said. Were you? You opted to be misled by someone else NOT ME!
I love you so so much!
You just don't know how many times I prayed that someday, I can embrace you tight... tighter enough to soothe all the hurts away... to put off all our misunderstandings... tighter enough to keep you in my arms forever, Bing!
I know, it was certainly not a walk in the park when we had our rifts.... But you remain so dear to me! Despite those times that you questioned, insulted, accused me about a lot of things, I still care for you! I still reached out for you. You never believed on how much you mean to me... You loved to berate me with abusive words, Bing!
I'm broken..... sooo wounded by you! But I still crawl to get back to you.
You're right. I'm stupid. Blind. Idiot. Dork. For loving you this much. :(
Sunday, January 22, 2006
attrition of my own
It is indeed comforting to hear something from you, knowing the things you are up to. It is indeed refreshing to realize your plans of meeting me still. Yet, Time has made a difference on how to deal with you.
I know. I still love you!
But it seems I cannot see myself anymore with you again. It seems the chance of being with you is obscure that I can't see the spark of staying in your arms once more. I remain reluctant. I told you once that I have forgotten our past hurts... Have I really disregarded the pain, when I could still see myself emotionally bruised when you left me? When I could still see my heart brutally wounded? When I could still feel the angst of why I trusted you that much?
I think I too denied the truth. I too lied that I am not over yet with this excruciating pain I have. I too denied that I am over you.
I am not. I still think so much about you.
I dared to ignore your email. I dared not to reply. I hate to admit but we're starting all over again. I hate that. I hate to have a new life with you. I hate to give you a chance to start anew. I hate to believe your lies, Bing.
I don't know how you are taking this. I don't know your reaction to my moves. I want you to think harder about your actions... about the things you've done to me. I want you to spend more time to mull over our unresolved issues. I don't need promises. I don't need pleasant words. I just need your sincerity. I so long to hear your main reason of why you still get in touch with me. What the heck do you want from me?
God knows how difficult I went through just to look for diversions.... just not to remember you. God is my witness of how hard it was to live with a handful of unanswered questions. You left me with plenty of doubts on how I manage to respond to my feelings. I doubt myself of loving geniunely. You questioned my faith. You questioned my sincerity. I doubt myself of understanding the unspoken. You accused me for misjudging you often. You defined me as stupid.
You once tagged me as 'intruder, meddler, and a nosy person'. Those words were too strong that it brought so much anxiety to me, Bing. This can never be totally forgotten until we have a chance to properly talk things over in person.
And perhaps.... I am still waiting for that moment.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
New year. New life.
I'm always persuaded to stick on starting a life anew. List of New Year's resolutions are all set, unwanted things are kept behind the closet, pain-trigger letters are crampled and torn. Can I also forget those heartbreaking memories with you?
If only I had the courage to hate you...
I guess, I'm still lost in my wandering thoughts to find you.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Just wanna post also her reply.... I do still miss her so much...
Hi, thank so much for your email..it's a welcome surprise in ages. Thanks also for explaining your side. I understand. I want us to get back to where we've been from the start; I am willing to do that. But I can see that you don't believe in me anymore. I am full of fear and reluctance..I don't know why. Perhaps it's because I am just guilty of hurting you many times over, too.
I don't really want us parting ways, harboring hurtful, nasty feelings and thoughts. I just want us to stay, but right now, I am just so enveloped with shame, guilt, fear and unworthiness. Can we really move forward? Well, thanks if you chose not to feel bitter about me or about all this.
Are we going to let those unresolved issues remain that way forever? I don't think that's fair to both of us. We could never be really at peace within ourselves. It's just easy to say we've 'forgiven' each other and our selves, but deep in us, we know that the hurt is still there.
I miss you still and will always do. God also knows that you mean so much to me and I just couldn't let you go like this.
I've just sent you my answers to your SMS seconds back. Okay, if there is no more hope for the two of us, would I keep on hoping? I just want this straightened. I just want us to be as we are. But if you're now closing your door on me, I could not barge in.
I'm sorry for hurting you in many ways. I've been so wrapped up in guilt and shame for what I've done to you and how I wish, too, that we could just talk it over properly. I did not ignore you or your messages and calls last Monday, I was just so busy then with the tasks at work that left me beat and consumed. But since I understand that you don't believe me anymore, my explanations would mean nothing to you now. That, too, is hurting.
I just want us together..if that is still okay with you. I am also hurting and I will still be hurting until we've finally talked properly like what we've been doing in the past.
I'll just be here; I'll still wait for you should you change your mind. Again, I am very sorry for all this.
Thanks for loving me the way you do. And even if you don't believe in me anymore if I told you that I still do love you, I would still keep believing you. I hope you'd give room to my words now and for how I'm still feeling for you.
I will miss you more than ever. You know how to reach me.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
let's move forward
I chanced upon this old email I sent to Bing... I just wanted to post this...
Hope you are doing good.
Thanks for your messages this morning. Out of load today that's why I was unable to reply.
A lot of things happened so fast... it's really beyond our control. We both exchanged so many hurtful words... that shouldn't have happened. You're right, this could be the end of this romantic feeling we used to have... this could be the end of hoping and dreaming to be together one day.
I realized that to make a relationship works, it doesn't only require Love.... It needs compatibility and commitment, which I think can be difficult to have, Bing. I don't want to count the painful times I had with you... it's useless. I just want to keep those sweet thoughts and good times we used to share with. I am not retaliating or getting even. Let's just say, I have finally come to my senses.I understand this is what you want.
When you dared to "ignore" my calls and messages last Monday, it was the saddest moment of my life....It was such a devastating feeling but I am not blaming you at all because I allowed it to occur... I allowed myself to feel the pain. Yes, we both have loved, hurt, and learned from this experience. Thank you for giving me a chance to know my weaknesses more, for making me laugh before, for showing me how much you can do for love... for having you once again after 13 years....
You are still and will always be my first and my last love, Bing. You know how much you mean to me. You know the reason why I renamed you as "Love"... It hurts... still am hurt. You are the only person whom I ever wanted and needed so much ... But my genuine love for you is stronger than my great desire of having you... I don't want to add your burden. I hate it whenever I feel that my presence annoys you somehow. I am sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I have my own frailties as well. All I ever wanted is to give you peace of mind... and for you to fully understand that I love you still.
I still miss you so much. I just pray often... I pray for my strength... because you know I'm weak. God knows you've been my weakness... Hope you would pray a lot too... so you may learn to forgive those people who have inflicted pain in your life. I have forgiven you for all the nasty words you told me and the things you failed to do.. I have forgiven myself too... It makes me remember that we are not perfect... no one is.
I simply don't want to have bitterness in my heart... it kills me. I just hope that after you read this email, you would still consider me as your friend.
I miss those days when we normally talk about anything...
God bless us... and all the best in everything you do!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
I live. For you.
Christmas is just around the corner. It's the season of love, of giving, of sharing. The season to forget and to forgive.
God must have seen my deep thoughts... must have felt my profound emotions. It's been almost 4 months since the last time we got in touch. I am missing you so bad. Everytime that a thought of you crosses my mind, I can't help but cry. I don't know how you managed to get into my heart when great distance swept us away. I don't even know how to cease thinking about you. It hurts me bigtime for I even more feel how helpless I am when you left.
This season makes me long for you more. Every seconds of the day, I remember you.... everything about you. I detest to give myself a chance to reminisce but it just happened. Yes. Bitterness in my heart might have helped bring back the past. The more I feel the anger I have for you, the more it gives me reason to contemplate and seek ways to find answers of our unresolved issues. I am who I am because of you... because I am still crazy about you.
Then I received the email you sent. A Christmas 'well-wishes' email you sent. I don't know why it makes me cry harder. I find myself at your mercy all over again. This is insane.... I must be insane... Can you please bring me back to reality? I am so much pleased to know that you are doing good.... that you have plans to relocate overseas. I know it shines a new light for you, it pours great hope for you.
I'll be missing you for sure. Thanks for letting me know your plans despite the great emotional turmoil we had caused to each other in the past... Your peace of mind conveys warmth in my heart. Your happiness is my happiness too.
I'll always be here. For you.